10.05 - The end. Instant reaction follows, but who cares what the public think?
10.00 - And that's the end. They all get 90 seconds for closing statements.
Clegg - "Thanks for watching, we're not liars, please waste your vote on us."
Brown - "Slow and steady wins the economic race."
Cameron - "Values, values, values, all in it together. Except Labour."
That must have been the slowest 4.5 minutes of my life.
9.59 - All three just repeating themselves now. Carers are great, urgent needs measures, people shouldn't give up homes, there should be consensus. Clegg loves the fuck out of the consensus.
9.56 - It's the "carers are bloody great" club. We know. Stop fudging. They all agree that all carers should get a week off. So why hasn't it been done? Brown has introduced more respite care. Urgent needs measure will help people stay in their own home. Cameron agrees there should be consensus on this. Why this issue particularly? They're happy to rip the shit out of each other normally, what's so different about the issue of elderly care?
9.54 - Brown says the elderly should be able to keep their homes. Committed to meeting urgent needs now. Cameron wants to give carers more rights. Where's the money coming from, Dave? Maybe we should raise National Insurance or somethingr?
9.52 - Alistair Stewart tells them to shut the fuck up. Final question. About care of the elderly. Cameron thinks it is wrong that rich people have to pay for their care, but poor people don't. Clegg wants politicians to set aside differences and have a big pow-wow. Yeah. That won't work.
9.51 - This debate could continue forever.
Cameron: The national insurance rise is bad.
Brown: The Tories will spend less money on good stuff.
Clegg: You're both liars! Let's be honest.
Repeat over and over, ad infinitum.
9.47 - Clegg says it is a phoney debate. Brown goes back to the bit about Cameron making too many cuts. Cameron goes back to the bit about the NI rise. This is getting very repetitive now. When will it be over.
9.45 - Health question. And Cameron has just brought up his dead son. Cameron loves the NHS, apparently. Talks about more "choice" for the patient (i.e. instead of making bad hospitals better, you get the right to fuck off to a better hospital 50 miles away. Woo). Clegg says money has been wasted on computer systems and managers whilst A&E wards are shutting down. Brown points out there are many more nurses and doctors, points out that waiting lists are all but gone. People forget now, but waiting lists were a massive issue in the early 90s. Brown says he will guarantee GP surgery at evenings/weekends and Cameron will not. Cameron drags up the NI rise again.
And... I'm bored and need to eat my dinner before it goes any colder. Back in a bit.
9.30 - Question about armed forces. Clegg wants to save money on trident, tax credits, etc and give that money to the armed forces. Brown goes on about how bloody great the army are. Spending on equipment has increased apparently. Brown wouldn't send troops into battle unless equipped. Cameron pays tribute to forces. Blah. You all love the fucking army, we get it. Cameron doesn't think we "do do enough for them." Ha. Doo doo. Cameron says we should invest in territorial army.
9.29 - Clegg says tax on banks is unavoidable and we can't afford trident. Cameron says it's "extraordinary" that Brown wants to keep "wasting" money. Fuck off, Cameron, you're going on and on about waste and IT'S NOT THE FUCKING ISSUE.
9.27 - Clegg bemoans the fact that some city bankers pay less tax than cleaners. Clegg says Brown wants to spend money now so he can put up taxes later. Brown says big savings will be made, but National Insurance rise will help pay for education, health and police. Cameron says that businesses are more scared by NI rise than by tax. Frankly, if we listened to big business, we'd still getting deeper and deeper into recession.
9.25 - Brown says he has America and Europe on his side, only Cameron thinks more money shouldn't be put in. Brown says let's take no risks. Clegg says cuts will be made, but who is being honest about the scale of them? Only him, so he says. Clegg suggests that regardless of election, that chancellor, shadow chancellors and Bank of England all come together to be honest about the situation.
9.23 - Cameron highlights press stories about waste in the public sector. Says giving up waste would be good for economy. But it won't just be waste, will it? Clegg points this out. Would impose 10% profit tax on banks. Good idea. Attacks Cameron for focusing on mythical waste issues. Brown points out that the Tories can't possibly save so much just by cutting waste.
9.22 - Brown gives us a history lesson about what has already happened. Brown says you can't afford to take money from the economy now. Will lead to lost jobs, businesses and growth. Warns against double dip recession. Again. This is probably a sound argument, but it's very vague.
9.19 - Next question is about how they will ensure economic growth and get the deficit down. Why is the deficit important again? Cameron starts on about the National Insurance raise again. Clegg says his manifesto gives the figures to save £15billion. Will end child trust fund, cap public sector pay increases and reduce family tax credits. All bad ideas. His good idea? Scrap trident nuclear missiles. Yay.
9.18 - Alistair Stewart stops them because he knows what questions are and they don't? Really? They're well rehearsed then.
9.17 - Cameron says Brown is making up the numbers. Clegg says the more they attack each other, the more they sound the same. Clegg wants more freedom for teachers and smaller class sizes. Brown says the aim of academies is to do this. Clegg says that maintaining spending is important but also bemoans waste. Comfortable on that fence, Nick?
9.13 - Cameron wants good discipline. Bring back the wooden rulers! Wants to make it easier for teachers to make exclusions. Good teachers don't want to make exclusions. Clegg values creativity and says smaller class sizes are the way. Wants to bring it down to 20 in primary schools and 16 in secondaries. Cameron bemoans waste. Brown says teachers cost money. Cameron starts on about the National Insurance rise and says this will take money from schools and colleges. Brown says they will take £6billion out, where is it coming from?
9.11 - Clegg says pupils have to jump through hoops. National Curriculum is 600 pages and Sweden's is 16. Clegg repeats a statistic that Cameron has just given as if nobody's ever heard it before. Facepalm. Gordo says every school should be a good school. Praises record of academies taking over failing schools. Privatisation by another name.
9.08 - Education. A seventeen year old who is "overexamined and undertaught" wants to know about their policies. Brown wants full time education to age of 18. Defends examinations as key to competing with Asia and Europe. Cameron says education is important. Duh. Moans on about bureaucracy again. So if your child was smacked by a teacher, you wouldn't want a written record of it?
9.07 - Clegg disputes that Labour will do anything of value to the House of Lords. Cameron glories in the fact that Nick refuses to agree with Gordo. Brown wants an MP to be elected with more than 50% of the vote. Good idea, but why not do it ten years ago? Clegg is irate - he put forward half these things ages ago.
9.05 - Cameron pretends he's acknowledging fault on all sides, whilst attacking both Clegg and Brown for their funding and expenses history. Clegg says he's repeating disproved accusations from years ago. Cameron comes across like a whiny little bitch.
9.03 - Cameron points out New Labour has had 13 years to sort the House of Lords. Cameron says that everyone else has to cut down in times of recession, why shouldn't politicians do the same thing? Because the state has to make up for the fact that people can't spend more themselves. The state is there to protect us, not to imitate us.
9.02 - Clegg asks why these measures were blogged when Lib Dems put them forward. Because you're in a different party, nitwit. It's all political and shit. Brown points out the obvious flaw in cutting 10% of MPs - who represents their constituents?
8.58 - Next question is about MP expenses. How will they re-establish credibility? Clegg says there are people who still haven't taken responsibility, e.g. home flippers. Brown says he was shocked and sickened by it. Wants to give right of recall to constituents for naughty MPs, give people right to petition parliament and reform the House of Commons and House of Lords. Damn right. Cameron comments on how horrendous it all is but how he did better at cleaning it up than anyone else. Wants to cut ministers pay, cut size of Whitehall, scrap quangos and cut 10% of MPs. And who will do those jobs?
8.56 - Clegg accuses others of not being upfront on money matters - no figures in manifestos. Cameron attacks Clegg for being against short prison sentences. Brown says he will match police funding and tells Cameron to be honest.
Brown - "You can't airbrush your policies, although you can airbrush your posters."
8.55 - Brown jokes that the Tories poster campaign has done him a great service by showing pictures of him smiling, unlike the press. Cameron accuses Brown of wanting to throw money at the problem.
8.54 - Clegg met a man in London who was burgled 5 times. Move out of London then.
8.53 - Brown pledges police funding will rise and says Cameron doesn't. Clegg - "it's all very well to say these things." Yes it is. What is the point of a debate then?
8.52 - Clegg waffles on about community payback, apologies to victims, etc as if these things are new ideas. Brown praises volunteers working in the community, but it shouldn't be left to volunteers, should it?
8.51 - Cameron blames it all on the drugs. Talked to a young man who committed a certain amount of crimes knowing it would get him before a judge who could send him to rehab. This guy must be the most lucid drug addict of all time.
8.47 - Woman from Burnley, town with highest burglary rate in country. How will they make it work. Cameron - not enough police on the streets. People have been giving this same mantra for 20 years. Cameron wants harsher sentences. Wants to get rid of paperwork and "bureaucracy" (also known as accountability). Clegg also wants more police on street. Attacks Labour policy on ID cards as waste of money. Wants to put 3000 more police on streets instead. Also, too many young offenders not being stopped before they become hardened criminals. Brown points out quite rightly that the crime rate is falling and that police levels are at an all-time high. Brown will give people the right to take injunctions against the police.
8.46 - Cameron says too many people don't work who could and that makes Britain a soft target. Oh fuck off.
8.44 - Everyone gives their token little "I'm-not-racist-I-love-foreigners" bit. Too little, too fucking late. You can't compete with the likes of UKIP and BNP on this issue, and those are still minor parties. Why not come out and say "actually, this immigration debate is a complete smokescreen. Immigration is not the problem, inequality is the problem."
8.42 - Clegg says there is good immigration and bad immigration, e.g. not enough doctors being brought in with right skills.
8.41 - Cameron has been to Plymouth, spoken to an old black man who is "ashamed" that there is an out of control immigration system. Apparently old black men can be racist too. Wants border police force.
8.40 - Brown points out net inward migration falling. Border controls being brought in and exit controls too. ID cards for foreign nationals. Wouldn't put an arbitrary cap on it. Brown doing surprisingly well so far, kind of expected him to go to pieces under the pressure.
8.37 - First question - about immigration. I fucking knew it. Brown says he's heard the concerns of racists, sorry the people, and brings up the points system he's implemented. "In future.... no care assistants come in from outside the European Union." Cameron says immigration is too high, wants to put in limit on migration. Just pick a number out of the sky then. Clegg attacks other parties for tough talking but not acting accordingly. Wants to restore exit controls and only allow immigrants to go where they are "needed."
8.36 - Cameron hopes debates will restore trust/faith in politics. Good luck with that. Blah blah blah about being in this together. Change change change, etc etc.
8.35 - No ordinary election says Brown. Emphasises importance of economy to all the promises that will be made. Warns against double dip recession. Says he will protect police, NHS and schools.
8.34 - Clegg tries to persuade us that Liberal Democrats are a credible alternative, ignoring the past 20 years of polling history. The changes he "believes in" are all the same changes that Labour and the Tories are talking about.
8.33 - First debate is on domestic affairs. Questions soon. Opening statements first. Clegg gets first go.
Or at least, I'm liveblogging it until I get bored. Starting now.